34 C theonion
Elections 2026Science/Tech / theonion
WASHINGTONPleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively,a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. There are so many incredible things you can put your money toward that are more worthwhile than the Democratic National Committee,read the email attributed to DNC [] The post New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money appeared first on The Oni
HAMDEN, CTAdmitting that the threat of a slow-and-low simmer was at the top of their minds, a majority of American voters responding to a Quinnipiac University poll published Thursday revealed that their greatest concern going into the 2026 midterms was of a big evil chef trying to cook them into stew. Across age, income, gender, [] The post Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew appeared first on The Onion .
BALTIMORECalling the studys findings revolutionary for anyone currently staring down a henchman or terrorist, a study from Johns Hopkins University published Thursday found that the explosive power of a rocket launcher increased by 35% when the person firing it shouted Suck on this. According to our trials, squinting your eyes and dramatically stating, Hey dickbreath, [] The post Study: Explosive Power Of Rocket Launcher Increased 35% By Shouting Suck On This appeared first on The Onion .
Well, sir, it pains me to say this, but it appears we are at loggerheads: I have said my piece. You have responded in kind. Yet despite my best effortsand considerable hungerwe seem to have reached an impasse over what $24.99 worth of shrimp looks like. As you know, Kyle, I have been a loyal [] The post We Seem To Be At An Impasse Over What $24.99Worth Of Shrimp Looks Like appeared first on The Onion .
Truth Social launched a subscription service allowing Wall Street firms to gain advanced access to Trumps market-moving posts, receiving them milliseconds before the general public. What do you think? The post Truth Social Begins Selling Advanced Access To Trump Posts appeared first on The Onion .
BOZEMAN, MTUpending long-held beliefs about how the prehistoric reptiles commemorated a juvenile females transition into adulthood, new evidence published Thursday by researchers at Montana State University suggests that dinosaurs had quinceaeras.As we examined fossilized footprints in a traditional waltz pattern at dig sites across multiple continents, it became clear that dinosaurs did in fact throw [] The post New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Had Quinceaeras appeared first on The Onion .