theonion

ORRVILLE, OHStressing that the change in the product line was a necessary adjustment to keep apace in the digital age, snack food manufacturer Hostess announced Monday that it would discontinue physical Twinkies. While we know fans have been collecting Twinkies for years, we believe that online-only snack cakes will help reduce physical clutter and allow [] The post Hostess Discontinues Physical Twinkies appeared first on The Onion .

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BURBANK, CATunneling upward out of the darkness where they had lain in wait for13 years, the latest brood of Disney child stars reportedly emerged from the ground Monday, filling the air with their mindless droning. Thousands of spunky young actors, part of the child performer population known as Brood D, were spotted bursting out of [] The post Brood Of Disney Child Stars Emerges From Ground appeared first on The Onion .

INDIANAPOLISSaying whatever she had to say to get through the PBS shoot as quickly as possible, hungover Antiques Roadshow expert Katrina Delaney reportedly pulled another appraisal out of her ass Wednesday morning.Yeah, you can tell from the, uh, baroque cornices that its probably from the Ming dynasty, the 48-year-old decorative arts specialist said of the [] The post Hungover Antiques Roadshow Expert Pulls AnotherAppraisal Out Of Her Ass appeared first on The Onion .

BLOOMINGTON, ILAmid a campaign aimed at improving the aesthetics of previously neglected public spaces, the team behind a new beautification initiative admitted Thursday to feeling impeded by the citys commitment to using only local artists.Seeing the quality of some of these pieces, Im beginning to worry that we vastly over-estimated the amount of artistic talent [] The post Citys Beautification Initiative Hamstrung By Commitment To Local Artists appeared first on The Onion .

While permanent, the visible blotch is strictly cosmetic and in no way affects this homes ability to shelter you and your family. Reference #259348 The post Just A Birthmark appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONOffering new insight into the origins of Americas founding document, a group of leading historians published a report this week theorizing that the Declaration of Independence started out as Twilight fan fiction. Based on newly unearthed correspondence between our nations Founding Fathers, we hypothesize that the document that ultimately became the Declaration originated as a [] The post Historians Theorize Declaration Of Independence Started As Twilight Fan Fiction appeared first on T

PLYMOUTH, MAReaffirming their commitment to sovereignty against a backdrop of crashing waves and the setting sun, the original 13 American states renewed the Declaration of Independence Saturday in a beautiful beachfront ceremony. Now repeat after me, do you free and independent states hold these truths to be self-evident? said officiant Barack Obama, adding that despite [] The post Original 13 States Renew Declaration Of Independence In Beachfront Ceremony appeared first on The Onion .

In The Onion, July 4, 2026By the REPRESENTATIVES of theONION EDITORIAL BOARD, When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with other far more annoying and troublesome peoples, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and greater station [] The post A Declaration Of Independence From The Rest Of The World appeared first on The Onion .

LOW EARTH ORBITSmiling and waving triumphantly as their celestial forms floated through the cosmos, Americas Founding Fathers appeared in the sky over the United States on Saturday to wish the greatest nation on earth a happy 250th birthday. Happy semiquincentennial, America, said the enormous, beaming visage of George Washington, who materialized in the thermosphere alongside [] The post Founding Fathers Smile Down On America From Outer Space appeared first on The Onion .

CAMBRIDGE, MARinging in the momentous occasion with firework displays, community service projects, and chants of bog-trotters go home, the United States of America turned 250 on Saturday despite the presence of the Irish. The semiquincentennial, marking two and a half centuries since the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was observed by approximately 308 million [] The post Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish appeared first on The Onion .

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NEW YORKStruggling to wrap his head around the horrific sight before him, a panicked Travis Kelce reportedly yelled, Babe, you shrunk! on Friday to the miniature bride figurine on top of the couples wedding cake. Taylor, no, God, noits going to be okay babe, just tell me who did this to you! said the Kansas [] The post Babe, You Shrunk! Says Panicked Travis Kelce To Mini Bride On Wedding Cake appeared first on The Onion .

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PITTSBURGHNoting that the man could often be seen waiting outside OMalleys Tap with his hands shaking in anticipation before the doors even opened, sources confirmed Thursday that local 54-year-old Brian Munson, who goes to the bar every day at 10 a.m., must be a huge soccer fan. You can just tell he lives and breathes [] The post Guy Who Goes To Bar Every Day At 10 A.M. Must Be Huge Soccer Fan appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONClaiming there were strings of explosive devices planted throughout the National Mall, President Donald Trump reportedly attempt to cover up low attendance at the Great American State Fair this week by calling in a bomb threat. Theres a series of explosives in unmarked duffel bags all across the fairgrounds, which are beautiful by the way, [] The post Trump Covers Up Low State Fair Attendance By Calling In Bomb Threat appeared first on The Onion .

Elle, a new Legally Blonde prequel series on Amazon Prime Video, has premiered to mixed reviews. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show. Q: How is the story updated for 2026? A: The story is now spread out over 16 more hours than it needed to be. Q: What stereotypes does [] The post What To Know About Elle appeared first on The Onion .

Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had Secretary Clinton won the 2016 Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world would be a [] The post The World Would Be A Much Different Place If Hillary Clinton Had Won The 2016 Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONDisplaying an uncanny comprehension of humanitys power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earths biggest pedophile.People of Earth, you will bring us before the massive child molester in charge of managing your planets affairs at once! said Grelahr Xoxneb [] The post Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens appeared first on

Desire To Murder May Have Driven Man To Pull Trigger The post Police Suspect Gunmans Motive Was To Kill Bunch Of People appeared first on The Onion .

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