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CHICAGOSaying he now saw the woman hed been dating in a totally different light, local man Arthur Morris confirmed Tuesday that a recent visit to his girlfriends family provided illuminating insight into why she was Asian. The first time I saw her parents, it totally clicked why shes the race she is, said Morris, adding [] The post Visit To Girlfriends Family Provides Illuminating Insight Into Why Shes Asian appeared first on The Onion .

ESTES PARK, CONoting the bags elongated oval shape, prominent Wilson logo, and the fact that its owner was walking directly toward a tennis court, a new report released Tuesday concluded that the tennis-racket-shaped bag in local man Marcus Walmans hand just had to be full of tennis rackets. Using a multivariate Bayesian object-classification framework incorporating [] The post Report: Tennis-Racket-Shaped Bag Gotta Be Full Of Tennis Rackets appeared first on The Onion .

Geneticists used CRISPR to produce twin beagle pups who do not make the lead allergy-causing protein found in dogs, opening up new possibilities for gene-editing technologies. What do you think? The post Gene Editing Used To Create Hypoallergenic Beagles appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying he would not hesitate to use force if she continued to disobey his orders, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly ordered a military blockade Monday of a woman attempting to walk away from him in a D.C.-area bar. Until further notice, U.S. troops shall not allow this gorgeous woman to pass, said an irate, slurring [] The post Pete Hegseth Orders Military Blockade Of Woman Attempting To Walk Away From Him appeared first on The Onion .

Anyone who didnt know Ben Hopper, 16, would say it was cruel that he died so young. The post Ben Hopper appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKSlamming both hands on the circulation desk after learning he was 17th in line for Larry McMurtrys Pulitzer Prizewinning Western novel, Knicks star Jalen Brunson reportedly shouted, Do you have any idea who I am? Monday at a librarian who refused to move him up the Lonesome Dove waitlist. Look, I am the NBA [] The post Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am? Jalen Brunson Shouts At Librarian Refusing To Move Him Up Lonesome Dove Waitlist appeared first on The Onion .

MEDFORD, ORSaying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit thats headed her way,sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how much worse it was going to get. Observerstold reporters the shrieking baby was clearly oblivious to the fact that any distress she experienced [] The post Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets appeared first on The Onion .

As she weighs a 2028 presidential run, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) announced that she is freezing her eggs, not confirming whether she eventually plans to have children. What do you think? The post AOC Freezing Her Eggs appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONComing to an abrupt halt in the bedroom doorway and staring in surprise at her husbands exposed entrails, actress Cheryl Hines reportedly walked in Tuesday on Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vivisecting himself again.Oh, er, honey, youre home earlyIm just taking a peek under the hood to make sure all my [] The post Cheryl Hines Walks In On RFK Jr. Vivisecting Self Again appeared first on The Onion .

Apparently the main characters mom and the quirky mailman are married now even though we never saw them interact this whole movie. The post Ms. Taylor and the Mailman appeared first on The Onion .

Former Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina, who was convicted of crimes against humanity for ordering the killing of protesters in 2024, vowed to return to the country despite facing a death sentence, claiming it was her duty. What do you think? The post Former Bangladeshi Leader To Return From Exile Despite Death Sentence appeared first on The Onion .

Singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers has released Lost Weekend, her third studio album. Heres everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Bummed out in H&M Biggest Influence: SNOOZ Pro Original Smart White Noise Machine Often Compared To: That platinum blond from Boygenius Accolades: Grammy for Best Performance by Child of Two Non-Famous People Bestselling Merch: [] The post Artist Profile: Phoebe Bridgers appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONBlasting the 2-year-olds incessant lying to the American people, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Thursday slammed her toddler son over baseless accusations that the caterpillar was very hungry. Time and time again, this vindictive child has served up fabrications regarding the caterpillars appetite that consist of nothing but radical left talking points, Leavitt [] The post Karoline Leavitt Slams Toddler Son Over Baseless Accusations That Caterpillar Very Hungry appeare

Surveillance company Flocks automatic license plate readers, which are used by over 5,000 law enforcement agencies across 49 states, are generating controversy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the technology. PRO Helps police officers violates civil rights far faster than if they were working alone Garrett Langleys parents will be devastated if his [] The post Pros And Cons Of Flock Cameras appeared first on The Onion .

PALO ALTO, CATelling himself he had no other choice but to end the simulated characters life himself before his company effectively pulled the plug on the virtual world, a tearful Mark Zuckerberg reportedly smothered his metaverse avatar Thursday using a digital pillow. According to sources, Zuckerberg told his wife, Priscilla Chan, that he would be [] The post Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow appeared first on The Onion .

MCCOOK, ILComplaining that he couldnt even walk down the street without being mistaken for a world-class basketball player, doughy Eastern European immigrant Vukain Petrovi told reporters Thursday that he was tired of everyone assuming he was an NBA superstar.Just because Im a 6-foot-10, soft-bodied Balkan man with a last name ending in -i, everyone automatically [] The post Doughy Eastern European Man Tired Of Everyone Assuming Hes NBA Superstar appeared first on The Onion .

Kirk Devine, 45, passed away in a hot-air balloon explosion last Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners find and return Devines body parts. The post Kirk Devine appeared first on The Onion .

Scientists have for the first time used AI to create viruses that dont exist in nature, a milestone that has prompted hopes for medical breakthroughs and fears of new biological threats. What do you think? The post Researchers Develop First AI-Designed Viruses appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONSurrounded on all sides by overturned furniture, ripped-out desk drawers, and dozens of loose items flung wildly from their shelves, President Donald Trump reportedly tore up the White House on Thursday in a frantic search for more munitions. Come on, come on, theres gotta be one of those interceptor things around here somewhere, said Trump, [] The post Trump Tears Up White House In Search Of More Munitions appeared first on The Onion .