theonion

SAN FRANCISCOClaiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers computer parties. While the term data centers currently has many negative associations, the word computer parties is just plain fun, said Freeling, who in a presentation [] The post AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers Computer Parties appeared first on The Onion .

ARLINGTON, TXNoting the text was chock-full of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. He definitely has an ax to grind, because this vampire character is written as a total monster, said Lambert, who [] The post Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past appeared first on The Onion .

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJHoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of Philadelphia Eaglesthemed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise sales.After several difficult seasons, we wanted to give Jets fans a shade of green that lets them proudly show their support, [] The post Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New Philadelphia EaglesThemed Jerseys appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCondemning the widespread practice as cruel and inhumane, animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. It should shock our collective conscience that calves as young as a few hours old are ripped away from their mothers fun, easygoing brothers, said activist Heather Bolton, [] The post Activists Decry Meat Industrys Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles appeared first on The Onion .

CARLSBAD, CADesperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that werent Cheez-Its. Come on, come on, now that weve got all this health food out of the way, lets get [] The post Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Arent Cheez-Its appeared first on The Onion .

Iranian state media released a video that appeared to threaten the life of President Trumps youngest son, Barron, with the Islamic Republic placing a $10 million bounty on his head. What do you think? The post Iran Releases Video Threatening Barron Trump appeared first on The Onion .

In my 100 years, Ive been favored with good health, time with loved ones, and a long, fulfilling career. There are many things for which I am grateful, not least of which is the opportunity to travel this astonishing planet, witness its wondrous diversity of life, and share what Ive seen with generations of television [] The post When I Die, Feed Me To Something Majestic appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCalling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nations most precious natural treasures for the presidents descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch of American land for future Trumps to enjoy. Were proud to safeguard these beautiful forests, beaches, and mountaintops to ensure they can [] The post Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy appeared first on The Onion .

A leaked memo revealed that U.S. diplomats are subverting efforts to limit global plastic production, doing so as worldwide plastic pollution grows to over 57 million tons annually. What do you think? The post U.S. Lobbying Against Global Plastic Limits appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONRevising the former timetable to reflect its latest public guidelines, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services replaced the childhood vaccination schedule Friday with a list of recommended animal bites. Its highly important that kids receive at least 15 bites from a variety of mammals, reptiles, and insects before they reach the age of [] The post HHS Replaces Childhood Vaccination Schedule With List Of Recommended Animal Bites appeared first on The Onion .

Larry Ellison is the co-founder and executive chairman of Oracle, as well as the largest shareholder of the Paramount Skydance Corporation. The Onion sat down with the billionaire to discuss his ventures. The Onion: How did you get into the entertainment industry? Ellison: I remember going to the movies as a kid, and when the [] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview With Larry Ellison appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESResponding to scrutiny concerning her tech billionaire father, artist Stella Lefty admitted in an interview Friday that nepotism may have played a role in helping her get Groupon+. I had to set up the account myself, but yeah, I definitely have to recognize that not all aspiring artists have the privilege of scoring great [] The post Stella Lefty Admits Nepotism May Have Helped Her Get Groupon+ appeared first on The Onion .

INDIANAPOLISContending that the proposed restrictions were common sense and necessary to preserve the integrity of the sport, Indiana Fever shooting guard Sophie Cunningham claimed Friday that any woman who averages more than eight points per game should not be allowed to play in the WNBA. Women who average more than 8.4 points, 2.3 rebounds, or [] The post Sophie Cunningham Claims Any Woman Who Averages More Than 8 Points Per Game Should Not Be Allowed To Play In WNBA appeared first on The Onio

With the competition for song of the summer in full swing, The Onion shares the 20 most popular tracks of July. The post Top Songs August 2025 appeared first on The Onion .

Stricter work requirements enacted in the Big Beautiful Bill have caused enrollment in the SNAP food assistance program to plummet over 13% over the past year as provisions kick in. What do you think? The post SNAP Enrollment Drops By Over 13% appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONPrompting widespread concern among fans and followers, President Donald Trump uploaded a disturbing video of himself Friday rapidly twirling while holding knives. According to sources, the clip showed the commander-in-chief spinning around in the East Room in the Executive Residence, waving the blades close to his face as he danced and posed with them. The [] The post Trump Posts Disturbing Video Of Himself Twirling With Knives appeared first on The Onion .

MIAMISaying the manosphere influencer vastly exaggerated aspects of his life in order to fabricate a social media persona,lawyers for Andrew Tate disclosed Thursday that he rented a brother to appear loved online. Despite all the videos of Andrew supposedly sparring with his brother at the gym or smoking cigars with him in a supercar, the [] The post Lawyers Say Andrew Tate Rented Brother To Appear Loved Online appeared first on The Onion .

EDINBURGH, SCOTLANDShelving the game indefinitely after major spoilers about the plot leaked online, fed-up developers at Rockstar Games announced Thursday that the company was canceling Grand Theft Auto VI because you fucking people dont deserve it. We had this whole exciting game all planned out for you, and you assholes had to go and fuck [] The post Fed-Up Rockstar Cancels GTA VI appeared first on The Onion .

SEATTLEExhibiting an air of practiced nonchalance as he mentioned his high-profile acquaintance, the Hinge date of area woman Melissa Jacobs was overheard Thursday dropping the name of the man who created Beetle Bailey. You know, what you just said reminds me of something my old buddy Mortthats Inkpot Award winner Mort Walker, maybe youve heard [] The post Date Name-Drops Creator Of Beetle Bailey appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONHis voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday telling a dominatrix to use processed foods on his balls. Mistress Jessica, Ive been a bad little health and human services secretary, and II deserve to have my pathetic nuts punished [] The post Trembling RFK Jr. Tells Dominatrix To Use Processed Foods On His Balls appeared first on The Onion .

The U.S. national debt surpassed $40 trillion for the first time ever, with Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent claiming the country can grow its way out of it. What do you think? The post U.S. National Debt Surpasses $40 Trillion appeared first on The Onion .

White House aide Natalie Harp is drawing scrutiny from many political observers. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Harp and her background. Education: Liberty University School of Blond Woman Business Job Title: Senior Girl to the President Qualifications: Made a nice diorama of the Oval Office Your Estranged Aunts Opinion Of Her: [] The post Political Profile: Natalie Harp appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSHer heart breaking when she discovered the Almighty fumbling over the most basic words on the page in front of Him, country music icon and noted humanitarian Dolly Parton was reportedly troubled to discover Wednesday that God was illiterate. I just about washed off my makeup from crying when I saw the Lord struggle [] The post Dolly Parton Troubled To Find God Illiterate appeared first on The Onion .

The post Trump Pushes To Rename Sexual Attraction To Children Americaphilia appeared first on The Onion .