theonion

WASHINGTONCalling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nations most precious natural treasures for the presidents descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch of American land for future Trumps to enjoy. Were proud to safeguard these beautiful forests, beaches, and mountaintops to ensure they can [] The post Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy appeared first on The Onion .

In my 100 years, Ive been favored with good health, time with loved ones, and a long, fulfilling career. There are many things for which I am grateful, not least of which is the opportunity to travel this astonishing planet, witness its wondrous diversity of life, and share what Ive seen with generations of television [] The post When I Die, Feed Me To Something Majestic appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONHis voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday telling a dominatrix to use processed foods on his balls. Mistress Jessica, Ive been a bad little health and human services secretary, and II deserve to have my pathetic nuts punished [] The post Trembling RFK Jr. Tells Dominatrix To Use Processed Foods On His Balls appeared first on The Onion .

White House aide Natalie Harp is drawing scrutiny from many political observers. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Harp and her background. Education: Liberty University School of Blond Woman Business Job Title: Senior Girl to the President Qualifications: Made a nice diorama of the Oval Office Your Estranged Aunts Opinion Of Her: [] The post Political Profile: Natalie Harp appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSHer heart breaking when she discovered the Almighty fumbling over the most basic words on the page in front of Him, country music icon and noted humanitarian Dolly Parton was reportedly troubled to discover Wednesday that God was illiterate. I just about washed off my makeup from crying when I saw the Lord struggle [] The post Dolly Parton Troubled To Find God Illiterate appeared first on The Onion .

The post Trump Pushes To Rename Sexual Attraction To Children Americaphilia appeared first on The Onion .