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Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me [] The post I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake appeared first on The Onion .

BALTIMOREResponding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that air fryers should not be considered an adequate substitute for human companionship.An air fryer can be a powerful and reliable tool, but its no replacement for genuine interactions with other human beings, said psychiatrist Lisa McDougan, [] The post Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship appeared first on The Onion .

TENAFLY, NJAccording to Roosevelt Elementary custodian Thanasis Danielopoulos, faculty and staff at the school are often surprised when they learn that back in his home country of Greece, he was a demigod.People are usually shocked when I tell them my mom was a maiden and my dad was a rain god who took the form [] The post Greek Custodian Used To Be Demigod Back In Home Country appeared first on The Onion .

The pair said I do Friday after a whirlwind meeting with their tax preparer. The post Sara Morse and Beth Lozano appeared first on The Onion .

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NEW YORKGrowing increasingly indignant with each passing possession, President Donald Trump reportedly spent the first quarter of Mondays Game 3 of the NBA Finals angrily demanding that Knicks guard Jalen Brunson put on a suit. Youre telling me this guy is supposed to be the star, yet he goes out on the court wearing, what, [] The post Trump Angrily Demands Jalen Brunson Put On Suit appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONAdmitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming that his views on wildfires had evolved. You have to understand, when I was coming up in the 40s, these fires were talked about in an almost entirely negative context, [] The post Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn what experts are already calling one of the worst outbreaks of foodborne illness in decades, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued an urgent recall Tuesday for 40,000 gallons of RFK Jr. milk. The recall, which covers all milk produced by the body of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was [] The post FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCalling the breakthrough a significant step forward in xenotransplantation, New York University doctors confirmed Monday they had successfully transplanted a pig foreskin onto a circumcised human.This successful operation proves that pig penises are a viable, long-term solution for circumcised patients in desperate need of working foreskin, lead surgeon Robert Langford said of the procedure [] The post Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Foreskin Onto Circumcised Man appeared first on

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Water-Inefficient Landscaping: Featuring lush, non-native tropical plants, a pool, a fish pond, and a private putting green, this home spits in Mother Natures face and dares her to do something about it. Reference #815233 The post Water-Inefficient Landscaping appeared first on The Onion .

PETALUMA, CANervously drumming his fingers as he reviewed the information one more time, local 20-year-old Kane Parsons reportedly attached the file Backrooms.mov to his film school application Monday. Alright, here goes nothing, said Parsons, who told reporters that he had so far applied to six undergraduate film school programs, including Drexel University, Rochester Institute of [] The post Kane Parsons Attaches Backrooms.Mov To Film School Application appeared first on The Onion .

June is time for Pride and time for travel. The Onion shares tips for helping LGBTQ+ Americans stay safe while traveling this summer. Use discretion when conversing with strangers on apps who list their job as Secret Police. Make sure the destination youre heading to isnt somewhere that persecutes LGBTQ+ people, like Dubai or Boston. [] The post Tips For LGBTQ+ Travelers appeared first on The Onion .

A meta-analysis of existing research found that cat owners had an increased risk of schizophrenia-related disorders, concluding that those exposed to cats had twice the likelihood of developing psychosis. What do you think? The post Cat Ownership Linked To Schizophrenia appeared first on The Onion .

At least three incidents of mysterious men climbing up from manholes in Brooklyn and Queens have been reported in the past month, prompting warnings from NYC officials about the dangers of exploring the sewer system. What do you think? The post Mystery Men Emerge From NYC Manholes appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESSending fans of Greek mythology into a frenzy on social media,The Odysseydirector Christopher Nolan confirmed Friday that god of sky and thunder Zeus had landed a cameo role in the film as a Trojan soldier. Yes, that was indeed the King of Gods that observant viewers spotted on the battlefield in the latest trailer, [] The post Zeus Lands Cameo Role As Trojan Soldier In The Odyssey appeared first on The Onion .

Jill Biden has released View From The East Wing, a memoir detailing her time as first lady of the United States. Here are the books biggest revelations: Knew from first time she met Joe that he had what it takes to become president, succumb to hubris, and be publicly humiliated Would feed pieces of Secret [] The post Biggest Revelations From Jill Bidens New Memoir appeared first on The Onion .

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Diana Yanko, 61, died on Tuesday after an AI incorrectly filed her charts, another AI denied her claim, and a third AI turned off her life support. The post Diana Yanko appeared first on The Onion .

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An 89-year-old Los Angeles resident plans to climb Mount Kilimanjaro for his 90th birthday this summer, which would make him the oldest person to ever summit Africas highest mountain. What do you think? The post Man Plans To Climb Mount Kilimanjaro For 90th Birthday appeared first on The Onion .

DES MOINES, IAJoining a long line of musicians who have threatened legal action against the commander-in-chief, nu-metal band Slipknot issued a public statement Tuesday demanding President Donald Trump stop using their masks during his rallies.Donald Trumps vile, evil agenda is not at all aligned with what our terrifying masks represent, frontman Corey Taylor wrote on [] The post Slipknot Orders Trump To Stop Using Their Masks During Rallies appeared first on The Onion .

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President Donald Trump signed an executive order for AI companies to provide the federal government early access to their newest models, an effort to weigh national and cybersecurity risks before they reach market. What do you think? The post Trump Orders Advanced Federal Review Of Frontier AI Models appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAdopting a tougher stance against the increasingly widespread form of workplace corruption, U.S. Department of Labor officials announced plans Thursday to crack down on people getting paid for their work. For far too long, the practice of receiving money for services has gone unchecked, and today were turning over evidence to the attorney general so [] The post Department Of Labor Cracks Down On People Getting Paid For Work appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONInstituting a massive overhaul to the federal governments scientific grant system in order to find the mythical cartoon characters, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be diverting all science funding into locating The Smurfs. These are very bad tiny blue people, and we gotta kill these Smurfs immediatelyI dont care how many vaccine [] The post Trump Diverts All Science Funding Into Locating The Smurfs appeared first on The Onion .

In a record-breaking opening weekend for A24, horror movie Backrooms brought in $81 million at the domestic box office. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the Kane Parsons film. Q: Is this the first major motion picture based on a YouTube video? A: Not quite. Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker was [] The post What To Know About Backrooms appeared first on The Onion .

LONDONBolting upright in bed in a cold sweat, actor Tom Holland reportedly woke up from a terrible nightmare Thursday in which the Jenners almost got him. Oh my God, it was awfulthey were bearing down on me, and I screamed and screamed, but no sound came out, said Holland, who was still trembling as he [] The post Tom Holland Wakes Up From Terrible Nightmare Where Jenners Almost Got Him appeared first on The Onion .

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Wedding vows were exchanged Sunday under the eyes of God, despite the fact that He wasnt invited. The post Alisa Schonfeld and Michael Coopersmith appeared first on The Onion .

EAST LANSING, MICalling the 21-year-olds replies to his emails and text messages rote and overly formal, local professor Lowell Sterbenz told reporters Friday he was pretty sure student Evelyn Atwater was using AI to refuse his sexual advances.It really is a shame with these undergrads these days, said the 63-year-old Sterbenz, an art history professor [] The post College Professor Pretty Sure Student UsingAI To Refuse Advances appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying it had been forced to take action against networks that refused to change their conduct, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday it would investigate broadcasters of TV shows where the mom has a job.It has come to our attention that the public airwaves have been used to transmit indecent images of female characters who [] The post FCC To Investigate TV Shows Where The Mom Has Job appeared first on The Onion .