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DOYLESTOWN, PAExpressing frustration over their friends increasingly disinterested behavior in recent years, participants in a local fantasy football league confirmed Tuesday that they were rapidly losing patience with the one player in their group who has other things going on in his life. I swear to God, Brian [Fischer] needs to get his act together [] The post Rest Of Fantasy League Losing Patience With Player Who Has Other Things Going On In His Life appeared first on The Onion .

PHILADELPHIASuggesting that the nation was increasingly prioritizing speed and efficiency in speaking, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that more Americans are abandoning lengthy conversations in favor of one really big word. Our extensive surveys across race, age, and gender demographics reveal that most Americans would rather just say [] The post Report: More Americans Abandoning Lengthy Conversations In Favor Of One Really Big Word appeared firs

LOS ANGELESEmpowering their users to be completely upfront about their intentions, officials for the dating app Raya announced Tuesday they were launching an all-new PR Relationship Mode. Whether youre looking for a 23-year-old model to serve as your latest beard or a fellow Hollywood A-lister to help you promote your new blockbuster, Rayas PR Relationship [] The post Raya Introduces New PR Relationship Mode appeared first on The Onion .

New evidence suggests Amazon is buying up rare books and tearing their pages from their spines in order to feed its AI models with unique information. What do you think? The post Amazon Destroying Rare Books To Train AI appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOGrowing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquids implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after his urine came out clear for the first time in his life. Oh Jesus, it just looks like waterIve never seen it like that before, said Lewis, who became increasingly unsettled [] The post Man Terrified After Urine Comes Out Clear For First Time In Life appeared first on The Onion .

MENLO PARK, CAProviding an internal update on his latest breakthrough in the smart technology sector, Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg reportedly invited employees to behold the companys new AI Monday as he lifted his top to display his tinfoil-covered nipples.Here, beneath my humble shirt, lies the future of hyperintelligent AI integration, said the billionaire tech CEO, [] The post Behold, Metas New AI, Says Mark Zuckerberg Covering Nipples In Tinfoil appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSwarming the nations airports as they rushed to board any available transatlantic flight,the U.S. populace decided Monday that if Harry and Meghan were going to the U.K., the rest of America was going with em. Sure, itll be a big adjustment, but then again, whats the point of staying in this country if you cant [] The post BREAKING: If Harry, Meghan Going To U.K., Then Heck, Rest Of America Going With Em! appeared first on The Onion .

Regulators around the world are cracking down on energy drinks, citing serious health risks associated with high levels of caffeine and sugar. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the popular beverage. MYTH: Excessive consumption can lead to depression and even suicidal thoughts. FACT: You cant aim a gun if your hand is [] The post Energy Drinks: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSNoting that a marked downward trend had developed this fiscal year and showed no signs of stopping, The Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reported He was concerned Monday over what He called troubling Q3 circumcision numbers. Sure, with the declining birth rate, we expect there to be some slight shrinkage in our [] The post God Concerned By Q3 Circumcision Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

SAN MATEO, CANoting that the students had known about the assignment since their end-of-year dismissal back in May, Sofia Suarez, a biology teacher at Hillsdale High School, informed her class Wednesday that she was disappointed no one had done their summer dissecting.All right, you had three months to start on your fetal pig, but it [] The post Biology Teacher Disappointed Nobody Did Assigned Summer Dissecting appeared first on The Onion .

The post Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing Wild Wild West Theme Song appeared first on The Onion .

TOPEKA, KSIn a shocking announcement that instantly brought all dinner conversation to a screeching halt, local father Jesse Pflughaupt reportedly stunned his family Monday evening by proclaiming that he believes in werewolves. You can find werewolves in pretty much every country on Earth, and the scary thing is they look just like you and me, [] The post Dad Stuns Family With Proclamation He Believes In Werewolves appeared first on The Onion .

Newly declassified documents show former Rep. Eric Swalwell admitted to the FBI that he had physical relations with a suspected Chinese spy on a handful of occasions. What do you think? The post Former Rep. Eric Swalwell Admits To Physical Relations With Chinese Spy appeared first on The Onion .

The post Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning appeared first on The Onion .

The Department of Justice finalized a rule that creates a path for some convicted felons to have their gun rights restored, with officials claiming those who pose a public danger could only be approved in extraordinary circumstances. What do you think? The post DOJ Develops Pathway To Restore Gun Rights To Felons appeared first on The Onion .

Whether shorts are office-appropriate attire has ignited an online debate. The Onion examines the pros and cons of wearing shorts in the office. PRO New scapegoat for bad quarter Good to have full range of movement while sitting stationary for eight hours A well-aired cog is a productive cog Ready to attend barbecue at a [] The post Pros And Cons Of Wearing Shorts In The Office appeared first on The Onion .

LONDONAcknowledging that the sea mammals were far from being awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures or a splendor of nature, an embarrassed David Attenborough finally admitted this week to exaggerating the wonder of seals. While I did several monologues in voiceover claiming that sea lions have a quiet majesty, they are actually just stinky, slippery wet dogs with [] The post David Attenborough Admits To Exaggerating Wonder Of Seals appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONDismissing public concern about the presidents health as baseless speculation, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, announced at a press conference Friday that Donald Trump has always been a face drawn onto a cantaloupe. If you go back and look at his presidential portrait, hes always had two dots as [] The post White House Doctor Claims President Has Always Been Face Drawn Onto Cantaloupe appeared first on The Onion .

RENO, NVWincing as he sang in a baritone voice with a slight British accent, local woman Mary Lowe reportedly felt immense pity at a karaoke outing Thursday after she imagined her friend Matthew Brown working on his Morrissey impression alone at home. Oh no, I can picture him practicing it all by himself in his [] The post Karaoke Outing Paints Heartbreaking Picture Of Friend Practicing Morrissey Impression Alone appeared first on The Onion .

The post Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer appeared first on The Onion .

APPLETON, WIWide-eyed and unusually still as he took in the unfamiliar sight before him, local 9-year-old Connor Walsh reportedly got a nice long look at the small of his fathers back Thursday while the 44-year-old bent down to retrieve a ping-pong ball that had rolled beneath a basement shelving unit. Several reports indicated that Walshs [] The post Boy Gets Nice Long Look At Small Of Fathers Back While He Picks Up Ping-Pong Ball appeared first on The Onion .

School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute. Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers off your trail. Determine if your bus driver needs uppers, downers, or both. If cycling to school, disguise yourself as a [] The post Tips For Getting To School Safely appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOAs she navigated the concert crowd with increased vigilance, local woman Penelope Frasier issued a red alert Thursday, warning that the music venue she and her friends had just entered was an absolute minefield of her ex-boyfriends. There could be one hiding around every corner, said Frasier, quickly peeking out from behind a support beam [] The post Local Music Venue An Absolute Minefield Of Ex-Boyfriends appeared first on The Onion .

ICE announced plans to spend up to $20 million on gloves that deliver electric shocks to people who do not cooperate. What do you think? The post ICE To Equip Officers With Electric Shock Gloves appeared first on The Onion .

The post Dead Fantasy Football Commissioners Password Guessed Again appeared first on The Onion .

The post The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond? appeared first on The Onion .