theonion

BLOOMINGTON, INScientists may be one step closer to answering the question of whether you are ineloquent or just an asshole after participants in a study of your communication skills confirmed Friday that their crying was not linked to what you said, but to the way you said it. The words themselves arent mean, but your [] The post Study: Crying Not Linked To What You Said But The Way You Said It appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday.Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, is highly [] The post EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide appeared first on The Onion .

ORLANDO, FLIn an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new We Invented Spaghetti slogan Friday during a call with investors.We want Americans to know that when youre at Olive Garden, youre not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, youre also [] The post Olive Garden Unveils New We Invented Spaghetti Slogan appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOHaving confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one.Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that Ive driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now Im all alone with my miserable self, the dejected, unshaven NBA [] The post Depressed Shams Charania Breaks Scoop That He Has No One appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKUrging audiences to see his new film on the biggest screen possible, Disclosure Day director Steven Spielberg claimed in an interview Friday that IMAX provided the best way to experience Josh OConnors soulful yet vulnerable eyes. In order for you to feel swept away in those deep emerald pools the way I intended, you [] The post Steven Spielberg Claims IMAX Best Way To Experience Josh OConnors Soulful Yet Vulnerable Eyes appeared first on The Onion .

More than 26 million U.S. children attend summer camp every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending your kids to overnight camp. PRO Opportunity to make friends from different gated communities Forces bed-wetters to get their shit together Grants parents much-needed private arguing time Bee sting EpiPen was going to expire in [] The post Pros And Cons Of Sleepaway Camp appeared first on The Onion .

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A new paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the release of the Apple iPhone in 2007 contributed to a decline in the birth rate, especially among teens and young adults. What do you think? The post Study Finds iPhone Lowered Birth Rate appeared first on The Onion .

A recent poll found that only 66% of Americans claim that a democratically elected government is important to the United States national identity, with those aged 18-29 reporting the lowest belief in U.S. democracys centrality at only 51%. What do you think? The post Poll: Fewer Americans Say Democracy Central To U.S. Identity appeared first on The Onion .

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LEAWOOD, KSRemarking that it seemed a tad excessive to own more than a dozen of the recreational bouncing devices, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly urged fianc Travis Kelce on Thursday to whittle down the number of trampolines on their wedding registry to one.Thats a lot of trampolines, babe, and you can really only bounce on [] The post Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down Trampolines On Registry To One appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKTouting the initiative as a way to bring love for the Orange and Blue to the places that need it most, the New York Mets front office announced Thursday that franchise mascot Mr. Met had embarked on a missionary trip to the Amazon rainforest to spread Mets fandom to the regions uncontacted tribes.As we [] The post Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary Trip To Spread Mets Fandom To Uncontacted Amazon Tribes appeared first on The Onion .

CLAYMONT, DEAs part of its effort to make the popular consumer-led food safety platform kid-friendly and provide parents with tools for oversight, IWasPoisoned.com announced Friday that it was now offering teen accounts.Starting today, new restrictions have been placed on the accounts of IWasPoisoned.com users under the age of 18, who will now need permission to [] The post IWasPoisoned.com Introduces New Teen Accounts appeared first on The Onion .

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Marty Peters and Karen Roth: Huhthe happy couples in loving memory table had a picture of Hulk Hogan. The post Marty Peters and Karen Roth appeared first on The Onion .

DENVERFrustrated by his fixation on a totally irrelevant topic at the expense of issues that actually matter to Americans, numerous voters told reporters this week that congressional candidate Ted Botello was campaigning for office with no better ideas than improving the economy. This guy wont stop talking about how hes going to make life more [] The post Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy appeared first on The Onion .

On Sunday, the same day as President Trumps 80th birthday, the White House will host UFC Freedom 250 on the South Lawn. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the unprecedented mixed martial arts event. $1.2 million Cost of restoring Thomas Jeffersons original Octagon 5 Drinks before shirtless Pete Hegseth [] The post The White House UFC Fight By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

A McDonalds employee in California suffered severe burns across his face and body after a coworker tossed hot oil on him, the reason for the attack remaining unknown. What do you think? The post McDonalds Worker Suffers Severe Burns After Being Attacked With Hot Oil appeared first on The Onion .

SAN FRANCISCOExpanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing boners. These safe, discreet folders are specially formulated to ensure you are the only one who knows that you are fully engorged, said brand representative Erica DeLeon, touting the generic [] The post Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners appeared first on The Onion .

MINNEAPOLISNonchalantly bringing up the act of violent resistance while discussing a fun evening she had with her friends, local mom Rebecca Peters casually mentioned Wednesday to her son Miles that her bunco group had thrown Molotov cocktails at ICE the previous week. Yeah, me and the bunco gals lit a few liquor bottles on fire [] The post Mom Casually Mentions Her Bunco Group Threw Molotov Cocktails At ICE Last Week appeared first on The Onion .

Despite advances in technology, training, and performance optimization, some achievements in sports have stood the test of time. The following athletic records remain unbroken. The post The Most Unbreakable Records In Sports History appeared first on The Onion .

MIAMIIn an official filing with the U.S. Department of Labor, Amazon employees alleged Monday that they had been exposed to inhumane working conditions while staffing the human chessboard that executive chairman Jeff Bezos maintains on the grounds of his Florida compound.Were not allowed to take breaks of any kind, one Amazon worker said on the [] The post Amazon Employees Detail Inhumane Working Conditions On Bezos Human Chessboard appeared first on The Onion .

What are you doing here? This is not for piddling swine like you. Be gone! Back to your frumpy duplex you go! Reference #295432 The post Chic Apartment With Designer Furniture appeared first on The Onion .

Doug Valdez, 91, passed away early Friday morning in an attempt to beat the weekend rush into heaven. The post Doug Valdez appeared first on The Onion .

BEVERLY HILLS, CAStaggering out into the blinding light of day,Euphoriashowrunner Sam Levinson reportedly emerged from a 7-year drug binge Wednesday horrified to learn what he had created. Wait, I did what? said a shaky, bleary-eyed Levinson as he looked through his phone in an attempt to piece together everything that had happened since 2019, a [] The post Sam Levinson Emerges From 7-Year Drug Binge Horrified At What He Created appeared first on The Onion .

The post Rick Brunson Tests Jalen Brunson Again On What To Say When Press Asks About Bruises appeared first on The Onion .

Actor Idris Elba dismissed longstanding rumors that he would be the next James Bond, calling the speculation unrealistic and claiming that many global audiences would never accept a Black male in the iconic role. What do you think? The post Idris Elba Says Some Audiences Wont Accept Black James Bond appeared first on The Onion .

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Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me [] The post I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake appeared first on The Onion .

BALTIMOREResponding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that air fryers should not be considered an adequate substitute for human companionship.An air fryer can be a powerful and reliable tool, but its no replacement for genuine interactions with other human beings, said psychiatrist Lisa McDougan, [] The post Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship appeared first on The Onion .

TENAFLY, NJAccording to Roosevelt Elementary custodian Thanasis Danielopoulos, faculty and staff at the school are often surprised when they learn that back in his home country of Greece, he was a demigod.People are usually shocked when I tell them my mom was a maiden and my dad was a rain god who took the form [] The post Greek Custodian Used To Be Demigod Back In Home Country appeared first on The Onion .

The pair said I do Friday after a whirlwind meeting with their tax preparer. The post Sara Morse and Beth Lozano appeared first on The Onion .

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NEW YORKGrowing increasingly indignant with each passing possession, President Donald Trump reportedly spent the first quarter of Mondays Game 3 of the NBA Finals angrily demanding that Knicks guard Jalen Brunson put on a suit. Youre telling me this guy is supposed to be the star, yet he goes out on the court wearing, what, [] The post Trump Angrily Demands Jalen Brunson Put On Suit appeared first on The Onion .

The post Kylie Jenner Told Nachos Were Sent By Fat Joe appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONAdmitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming that his views on wildfires had evolved. You have to understand, when I was coming up in the 40s, these fires were talked about in an almost entirely negative context, [] The post Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn what experts are already calling one of the worst outbreaks of foodborne illness in decades, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued an urgent recall Tuesday for 40,000 gallons of RFK Jr. milk. The recall, which covers all milk produced by the body of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was [] The post FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCalling the breakthrough a significant step forward in xenotransplantation, New York University doctors confirmed Monday they had successfully transplanted a pig foreskin onto a circumcised human.This successful operation proves that pig penises are a viable, long-term solution for circumcised patients in desperate need of working foreskin, lead surgeon Robert Langford said of the procedure [] The post Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Foreskin Onto Circumcised Man appeared first on

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Water-Inefficient Landscaping: Featuring lush, non-native tropical plants, a pool, a fish pond, and a private putting green, this home spits in Mother Natures face and dares her to do something about it. Reference #815233 The post Water-Inefficient Landscaping appeared first on The Onion .

PETALUMA, CANervously drumming his fingers as he reviewed the information one more time, local 20-year-old Kane Parsons reportedly attached the file Backrooms.mov to his film school application Monday. Alright, here goes nothing, said Parsons, who told reporters that he had so far applied to six undergraduate film school programs, including Drexel University, Rochester Institute of [] The post Kane Parsons Attaches Backrooms.Mov To Film School Application appeared first on The Onion .

June is time for Pride and time for travel. The Onion shares tips for helping LGBTQ+ Americans stay safe while traveling this summer. Use discretion when conversing with strangers on apps who list their job as Secret Police. Make sure the destination youre heading to isnt somewhere that persecutes LGBTQ+ people, like Dubai or Boston. [] The post Tips For LGBTQ+ Travelers appeared first on The Onion .

A meta-analysis of existing research found that cat owners had an increased risk of schizophrenia-related disorders, concluding that those exposed to cats had twice the likelihood of developing psychosis. What do you think? The post Cat Ownership Linked To Schizophrenia appeared first on The Onion .